“Star Trek Beyond” Jumps the Shark Where No One Has Gone Before

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Warp back twenty years and tell a Trekker that the series would one day reach a point in which Kirk and Spock have to use the musical power of the Beastie Boys to save millions of lives, and the poor Trekkers would inform you that the alternate time-line that you come from is the darkest one. We live in a sad era of Star Trek when we must continuously witness the furthering erosion of our favorite sci-fi series, caused by pounding explosions, jump cuts, and frenetic energy, all set to the pounding music of 1990’s rap rock band, the Beastie Boys. Oh, I am not joking about the film using the music of the Beastie Boys as an actual story device to defeat snarling aliens. Considering that Star Trek was once known for its philosophical intrigue, and social commentary, I would almost call this usage of loud rock music to defeat the evil aliens a jumping-the-shark moment, but the movie already has Kirk riding on a motorcycle, and jumping over the heads of aliens who sort of look like sharks, so I guess that moment qualifies by default.

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Swiss Army Man- Harry Potter’s Next Magical Role is a… Farting Dead Corpse

by Abe Rose01

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for the moment when Daniel Radcliffe told his agent that he’s on board to do this film. After starring in eight Harry Potter films, what role do you go for next? A farting dead corpse.

No, you heard me right. This movie really is about a friendship between a man lost at sea and a farting dead corpse.

And I have to say, it is the Citizen Kane of farting dead corpse movies. But even as high praise as that is, that probably does not give the slightest inkling of an indication to how good this movie actually is. Can you name another movie about a man who uses a farting dead body as a motorboat to propel across the sea? It’s not exactly a booming genre, so let me describe the movie in different terms: this is the best movie I have seen so far this year.

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“Warcraft” the Movie, or Warcraft Lore: Sparknotes Edition

By Abe Rose

warcraft poster

There is an unspoken rule that I follow for story criticism: if you care for the characters enough, you will follow them to the ends of Mount Doom, slogging through nine and a half hours of exposition, lore and travelogues. It’s the rule that sets the original Star Wars trilogy apart from the prequels. Care for the characters, and you can care for the world that they inhabit. It’s the golden rule that I follow in deciding whether or not to emotionally get on board with a film. In the case of Duncan Jones’s Warcraft, there is not a single character to emotionally gravitate towards, out of like six hundred characters gravitating towards each other right before they bash each other’s brains out.

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X-Men: Apocaylpse, You Have No Brett Ratner to Blame This Time

By Abe Rose

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There’s a moment about midway through this film, in which teenage mutants Jean Grey, Cyclops, Nightcrawler, and Jubilee go to see Return of the Jedi at the theater. In a film with a running length of about 2 and a half hours, the filmmakers have decided to pause the superhero fights, the city-wide destruction, and enough storylines tangled together like neglected Christmas lights in storage, all for this moment for teenagers to discuss movie sequels. “Number three is always the worst,” one of them quips.

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Captain America: Civil War-Political Parallels with Punches

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By Abe Rose

I imagine that in about a hundred years, the title of this movie will make for one hell of a confusing high school report on a captain from the American Civil War. “I typed in Captain America Civil War into Future-Google, and the top link informs us that the American Civil War was between the billionaire class led by Anthony Stark, and the rebel captain, Steven Rogers.” Then again, being how close the political parallels are in these Captain America movies with American foreign policies, maybe this is the movie that will be shown to high school history students. “America often ignored the national sovereignty of other nations when issuing overseas contingency operations. Here, just watch the punchy-punchy superhero version of it.”

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A True Old Testament Video-Game Would be Rated M for Mature

By Abe Rose

I remember hearing a lot of conversations like this, growing up in the nineties: “No, little Johnny, you cannot play Pokemon. Pokemon is influenced by satanic worship! If you squint your eye and turn your head and look at this Pokemon upside-down it looks like a demonic symbol! No, no, no. If you are going to play a game, you’re going to play a Bible game that is full of good teaching!” Considering that Pokemon merely faint when hit with bubble attacks, and people are mauled to death by lions in the Bible, this sounds like a command to play some awesome M-Rated games! Awesome! The Bible is filled with awesome, epic stories. What kind of game? A Bible game about Samson? Think of the possibilities!

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Top Fifteen Films of 2013

15.) Spring Breakers

Directed by Harmony Korine

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Boy, did they market this movie to the wrong crowd. Those going in expecting a straightforward exploitation film in which Disney pop-stars grow up and do naughty things, were in for a very different kind of journey. Spring Breakers is not simply an aggrandizement of spring break culture. Rather, it is a worship of spring break culture. It explores spring break as a religious revival, in which beer sanctifies like holy water, and patrons jump around like they are attending a Pentecostal mass. They pray its name, “Spring break…. Spring break, forever,” like it’s an eternal mantra that saves them from their boredom. And one by one, they those weak in faith lose their conviction: spring break is everlasting life. Spring Breakers strangely works in mystical ways.

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